On the eve of what will probably go down as one of the greatest sporting events in Pewee Valley history words can’t express how excited I am. To get everyone else equally excited I thought I’d throw out a scouting report for all of those who have hard committed and are in the F3 on 3 slack channel. I’m going to go ahead and apologize in advance. In no particular order here we go!
Jolly Rancher-I’ve heard he’s a better runner than a basketball players. Still better than Harbaugh tho.
Kilo-can only assume he plays like Dennis Rodman and will be out of gas somewhere between the first and second possession. And shoots bricks
Fungi-white Jalen Rose, that is all
Timeshare-revised so he doesn’t feel left out. Since moving across the river he still isn’t used to being around all these PAX. Plumb Bob had no d so Timeshare has unrealistic expectations about his own game. That said he’s definitely in the top 5 PAX that has been run out of an Indiana park by a cop.
Hush Puppy-he learned from the best but assume his lack of sleep and his devotion to race cars has taken most of his game away
Whitney-believe he’s only coming to the sing the national anthem
Worm-he’s an awesome point forward, like LeBron, just whiter, slower, shorter and not as good. I assume he will be wearing his ruck so that may slow him down
Stickup-hes like a NY city street baller except his game was stolen when he moved to the Ville. But I bet he talks mad shit
Cartman-aside from having the best naming story in F3 (ask Kilo) he doesn’t have much else going for him. Well he’s tall so that helps
Dauber-he’s wiry, gets up fast and knows the game. He’s the best 170 lb power forward in the region (and only one). No need to guard him outside of 7 feet
Big Bird-he actually came to basketball practice with 3rd and 4th graders for an hour this week. Let’s just hope he kept practicing a lot more or you don’t want him on your team
Honey Do-yet another thing he’s not good at that I assume his wife made him sign up for
Captain Crunchberry—a late add to the field, assuming cause he sucks
Gisele-between worrying about bourbon and how bad his Patriots suck I can only assume his game has gone downhill. Let’s see if all the conditioning he’s been doing helps out
Ice Man-believe he thinks we are just drinking at this thing. Let’s hope so as athleticism runs in his family but this ain’t volleyball or soccer
Jewel-don’t get me started. The AO of the year that’s best in everything and is just a few miles from the County only has one HC for the tournament. I guess it’s just not hard enough, next year we can play the game on a hill and maybe some more guys will show up. Hopefully Jewel represents for the Garden Goons but I have very low expectations based on reports out of St Pats open gyms
Bob Ross-after he recently roasted the PAX and their football ability he better have some game. I have my doubts
Mr Hat-since he’s trying to rule his way to victory I assume he will have a very poor showing but will still be welcomed back as the best baller at the Abyss
Cratchit-his dad once had a million rebounds in a game and after seeing his jump shot I assume he spent Cratchits childhood chasing basketballs all over the place
Backflop-ha, I need to tell him we aren’t having a kids divisions. There is one rim that he may be able to touch the net on at least
Meter Maid-I am 100% confident he has researched and knows the exact way to shoot, pass and dribble a basketball. He can’t do it but he can splain it to you
Octodad-assuming with all those kids he can play one hell of a zone defense. Won’t help him much tomorrow but at least he has that going for him
Tidwell-when his hair is combed out he’s at least 6’8 so he’s going to be pretty intimidating on the court.
Tron-if he finds the county we can have him keep stats as I’m pretty sure he’s better at that than basketball
Crockpot-perfect form on everything, again not good at it but will look good doing it
Yankovic-he’s a preacher so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself
WILDflower-he’s in a band or was and I heard his street ball name is Pearl Jam. I assume guys who play guitar aren’t good at basketball but we will let him play anyway.
Wow that took all morning-if I missed you and you end up playing I’ll add you to the updated post game scouting report. Best of luck to everyone and I’ll see you tomorrow at 6:15.