In the swirling mists of Dathomir, the ancient home of dark sorcery, a chilling figure stood at the heart of a hidden temple—Darth Maul. He had emerged from the shadows, seeking to test the mettle of those who dared oppose the darkness with his Backyard Burpee Beatdown.
In an adjacent galaxy, in the dew-covered hills of Pewee Valley, six individuals gathered beneath the light of twin orbs. Each hailed from different worlds, united by fate and the IronPAX challenge laid before them by the Sith Lord, Darth Maul. His plans for revenge against the Jedi were taking shape, and the F3 galaxy trembled at the thought. But unbeknownst to him, a group of six heroes had gathered, united by a common purpose: to stop him once and for all.
One Star: A young but fiercely determined Padawan, eager to prove himself, and brimming with untapped potential.
Little Jerry: A skilled pilot from Corellia, known for his quick reflexes and resourcefulness.
DeVitto: A former Jedi Knight and previous mentor to numerous other Jedi, now a wandering warrior searching for final redemption.
Big Bird: A fierce bounty hunter with unmatched tracking skills, a knack for survival, and an encyclopedic knowledge of criminal underworlds.
Dauber: A rough-and-tumble mechanic with an uncanny ability to fix anything, including all types of ships…even “situationships.” He was considered by many to be tech-savvy, adept at hacking Imperial communication systems, but ironically unable to remove ads from their broadcasts.
Nutty Professor: a cunning and resourceful droid with a bellowing voice, an acute sense of telling time, a disdain for silence while stretching, and an uncanny affinity for all music released by 20th Century boy bands.
As they stood in the gloom, bathed in thick fog, Maul’s chilling voice echoed through the air. “Complete my eight challenges, or fall to the darkness that you oppose. Fail, and your fates will be sealed.” Then, an ominous energy fell upon the land.
Drawing strength from one another, they stood firm, turning their fear into action. In a climactic series of eight, 5-minute battles, the six united their abilities and strengths.
The first challenge tested their combat skills against fearsome creatures native to the Dune Sea. A pack of savage Krayt dragons roared, their scales glistening in the street lamps. Working together, Little Jerry piloted a swoop bike (a.k.a. Freddy Mercury’s) to lure the beasts, while the others collectively slayed the dragons with an unrelenting series of burpees.
Next came a challenge of endurance. Maul set a treacherous course through the valley, eventually leading to Princess Leila’s domicile in Alderaan. There, each of the six were required to complete a total of 30 Pickle Pounders, without waking Anakin Skywalker, and without finishing early. Their heart rates climaxed at 180 beats per minute as they rose to the challenge…but they still had to complete more burpees.
In subsequent efforts they were challenged to complete flutter kicks, plank jacks, monkey humpers, squats, LBCs, and side straddle hops. In each instance, the six were able to persevere…and yes…complete more burpees.
“Your darkness ends here,” DeVitto declared, raising his lightsaber and channeling energy through the group. With one final surge, they defeated the dark warrior, sending him spiraling into the vapor, defeated and retreating into the shadows. The sun began to rise, casting a warm glow over the central Kentucky landscape, and the six stood victorious.
As they caught their breath, they knew that their journey had reached its final conclusion. They documented the total number of completed burpees for the sake of future generations, and to serve as a reminder of the day they defeated Darth Maul and ended the IronPAX Challenge.
They may have been battered, but they were victorious. United as friends, they set their sights on the stars, ready to face whatever challenges awaited them, and determined to restore balance to the F3 galaxy.
F3 Louisville 