Welp. No jokes today. Turns out the joke is on me…..
The 1st F of F3, and a healthy dose of pyramid scheme type peer pressure is why I joined F3—but the 2rd F is actually my favorite F. It keeps me coming back for more. This week we changed HDHH AO’s, and I was nervous. Not nervous about the PAX showing up….but nervous that lil ol Gerstles was not gonna be able to meet the standard that Digiorno had set at MM. There’s like 47 taps at MM, and only 4 at the new spot. Would there be SweetWater? Sam? New Belgium? Were we moving from an AO with hills, monkey bars, zoysia, coupons, and lights to a back alley with a dumpster? Buuuuusch sensed my anxiety and promised they’d have Sam 76 on tap. He also reminded me that HDHH was more about hanging with the pax–than the beer selection. We agreed to disagree.
So, I moseyed into our new HDHH spot, and the first thing I did was say “Hi Swifty.” Well….not entirely true. The VERY first thing I did – was complain to Buuuuusch that I’d been there for 74 seconds, and I didn’t see a bartender, and thus didn’t have a cold beer. He remedied that situation and THEN I talked to Swifty. I didn’t really know Swifty. I’ve heard about him. I’ve seen him in pictures. But haven’t spent any real time with him. I learned a few things. I learned he’s a great dude, and is studying for the BAR. But the most important thing I learned – was that he only lives 10 minutes from The Mutt, and he’d only posted there a few times. 🤔 Must’ve been on the days I was at the posh🙄. Anyway, He’s a posher. Posh is a great place, with great dudes, but it’s 18 minutes away! WTH?
He’s a lawyer. So I wanted to submit Exhibits A&B. I immediately worked on headlocking him for my Extender Q. He needs more Mutt in his life. I resorted to peer pressure. I had Gepetto, and Left Eye stand over his shoulder and stare at him. Well mostly Gepetto. And it worked. After 8 minutes of awkwardness–Swifty flipped his Mary T commitment, and agreed to come to the Mutt!!! Then Waterboy ( who is on IR with a knee bruise) asked if I would scrap my entire Weinke, and design it around him and his gimp knee, so he could get back out in the gloom. I’m a generous Q. So I agreed. I’m on fire! Better have another Sam 76 to cool me down.
Perfect. 50s. The grass was Dewey, fast and firm. I was the Q, so I got there early. 5:24am. I also only drove on the pavement. SumpPump greeted me, and couldn’t believe how “early” I was. He also grabbed the Mutt flag. Thanks. Big help. I’ll plant the extender flag…hmm. Firm ground. Better try here. Dang. Maybe over here. Nope. Ok, maybe here? Got it. This is good. “Hey Sump, come plant the Mutt flag over here.”
“Umm. Sorry Zoo, I think I just bent the shovel. Let me check. Yup. It’s bent. Sorry bout that. I’m kinda weak”
“Yeah. I know. Tanks fir nuttin'” Where’s Moira been?
5:27 pax trickling in. I see Swifty! Awesome. He’s in TTT. Awesomer. (I was not. The tank I wore to the Carpenter is still at the dry cleaners) I was in a Keeneland UnderArmor Navy blue dry fit, 7 inch seam Nike powder blue dry fit shorts, and matching ocean washed blue Sperry’s. No socks.
Today is already a success. Then I look over and see McAfee? Wow. What a surprise! I’ve not spent a ton of time with him either, but like Swifty-I’ve heard a lot about him, and have seen photos……I hear he’s a beast. Then a rush of anxiety poured over me… As I realized the awful truth. Swifty didn’t feel safe coming to the Mutt alone. He brought McAfee for back up. Dang. Ego deflation. Oh well. Can’t say that I blame him. But, I’m really glad he brought McaFee! Because Mac had something in his hand…Was it a baseball bat for protection? Nah… a sword?…nah…..a gift? Yes! A gift. Can this get any better? It was a flag of some sort. A Flag I had not seen in months… A flag that (and yes–we surveyed) 7 Mutt pax had never even seen in their entire F3 lives. It was… In fact… THE Ghost flag! A tear hit my eye. I hadn’t seen that baby in quite some time. Still smelled like Icy Hot. Wow. I can’t believe she’s here. I knew my milkshake was good…but….Wow. I thought ghosty was just permanently framed in Star Child’s office next to his daughter’s participation trophies.
I immediately grabbed the ghost flag and somehow was able to plant it next to the other flags without bending the shovel. I know…right? The mojo in the gloom this morning was on tilt!
5:29 Tiger comes in on two wheels as usual. Dang… He’s always the last one here. But I’m expecting more. I looked at my trusty clipboard of probable attendees… Buuuussch was already ❌out in red. Traitor. But I still had 2 names on the list… Trusty Old Bay, and HC— change your entire Weinke just for me and my bruised knee- Waterboy.
5:30 McaFee “Umm Why are you wearing Sperry boat shoes Zoo? I came here to exercise and you know…get better…..and……well -I also came because you really creeped Swifty out at HDHH – but Is this gonna be worth my time?”
5:31 “I wore them for Waterboy. I knew if I wore the Sperry’s sans socks, I wouldn’t be tempted to add any running. Waterboy can’t run far right now. He’s delicate. We may change his name to Pellegrino. And We can’t start without him. I mean….I changed around everything. Was up until midnight adjusting and tweaking the Weinke Just for him and his scratched knee. He lives right around the corner. He’ll be here soon. Really he will.”
(I can only assume I looked like Bart Simpson waiting……waiting……for Homer —who was getting blasted at Moe’s—to take him to the monster truck show……)
Spoiler alert. Homer never shows. And neither did Waterboy. Jokes on me😢.
We’re behind. No mosey. Today’s gonna be different. Circle up where you are and Do Digiorno stretches or Kendra Newman’s while we count off. Lucky 13.
15 mountain climbers IC
15 Bobby Hurley’s
Circle back up. I decided, that together as a PAX, it was time we conquered the burning questions of the day.
So I played the recording, and we broke out into 2 groups. I figured it would be 50-50 or maybe…..just maybe……the pax were gifted savants like me – and they’d all hear Yanny. Nope.
Yanny – 3
Laurel – 10
“Ok. Laurels lose. You 10 go get 13 coupons and bring them back to the flags while Scratch, Fridge, and I do these around the world merkins Old Bay taught us yesterday.”
Hands on curb. 5 incline merkins. Hold plank and rotate 45 degrees. Left hand on curb. 5 merkins. Rotate 45 degrees. 5 decline merkins. Another 45 degree rotation while holding plank. 5 merkins with right hand on curb. We did this twice and then invited the Laurels to join in for a rep. The Yanni’s were toast. Woof. Yanni’s win!
Grab coupons and mosey to the football field. Line up approximately 100 yards from the goal post. Throw your coupon. Lunge walk (clapping between the legs. Let’s get those knees low) to the coupon. 5 Bobby Hurley’s. Throw it again. Lunge walk. 6 merkins. Throw it again. McaFee already had a 10 yard lead. I reminded the pax to watch out for those ahead….let’s not hit any pax with a flying coupon. 7 Bobby’s. Throw. Lunge. 8 merkins. “Hey guys in the middle. Watch out for the lacrosse goal. Don’t wanna hit that with a coupon. We don’t want our coupons looking like the Carpenter’s dojo.” Throw. Lunge. Clank. Coupon off the goal. Right on time.
“Whoops. Sorry Zoo. My coupon hit the goal and crumbled. I’ll go get another one.”
“Yeah. We heard it. Sorry Scratch. I should’ve warned you. That’s on me. 🙄”
All got to the goal post and did 10 merkins. You would’ve gone down to 9 Bobby’s if you needed another toss.
Keep moving. Grab coupon. Mosey behind goal post to a steep but short-ish Hill. 15 curls. Drop coupons.
Bear crawl down the hill. 4 boyos.
Crawl-bear up the hill. Theses baby’s are tough. All upper body. Lots of slipping. Sperry’s are made for the seas. Not the gloom.
3 boyos. Bear crawl down… 2boyos… Crawl bear up… One Burpee… Bear crawl down… Sprint up
Whoa. McAfee gave us a 12 count.
25 Curls. Pepperoni is on his 2nd post, so I asked him to lead us in the count because I couldn’t breathe, and because I’m getting him to VQ soon.
Keep moving. 6 pax plank. 6 partners put a coupon on their back and spot them. Shoot for 10 merkins. Some did more. All did at least 10. Rinse and repeat and switch. I asked for one more set. Glen Ross asked for 2 spotters. He wanted the double mac with cheese. The “Royale with Cheese.” Look at the big biceps on Glen! Others followed suit. YHC did too. Woof. Keep moving.
It wouldn’t be a Zoo Q if you weren’t staring into another partner’s eyes at some point. That point is now. Grab a partner. Elbow plank across from each other. 30 yards apart. Stare into each other’s eyes. Inchworm plank crawl. When I say 1-move elbows up. Feet stay put. 2- move elbows further up. Engage core. 3- move elbows up as far as possible and make a fist. Hold plank for 5 count. Go to downward dog. Re-engage elbow plank. Rinse and repeat until you meet your mate. We added some Merkins along the way…met in the middle and did 15 booyah merkins. Well done. I know you’re itchy. Sorry. But you’re better too.
More pop culture. “Everyone seen this burpee record this mum in Australia broke?”
Pax – huh? Mum? You mean mom? What are you talking about? Who’s Australia? Where’d you see that?”
“I saw it on twitter”
Pax – “what’s twitter?”
McAfee “It’s BS. It’s not even a burpee. Let me show you. It’s easy. And do you guys at the Mutt have cell phones or WiFi?”
OK. Demonstration done. Thanks Mac. Set the timer for one minute. I explained to the pax that she did a little over 25 of these babies for 60 minutes. Let’s see how many of us can do 25 in a minute. Some did 25… some did less. McAfee and Swifty did 45…We all agreed that whatever you want to call it… That – that was one hell of a record! Good on ya bloke!
Couldn’t let the pax end on Aussie mum burpees so we did 8 boyos and returned the coupons. Circle up
Check Slack. Glenn Ross has called Tuesday national ride your bike to an AO day. He even brought me a pump to tune my bike up. HIM. Then McAfee explained to the pax the concept of the Ghost Flag and encouraged everyone to get out of their comfort zone and visit a black ops or another AO.
Intentions made for those who need healing, patience, and help. I asked everyone to take a deep breath and think of someone in their life that needed a lift. Challenged the boys to be that person today that gives them their lift. Said a few more words and we were done.
Doug the shovel flags out of the ground and placed them in my car. McAfee grabbed the ghost flag – and after a few moments of Banter- he left for his car.
Z-“Hold up there bud. Where ya going with that ghost flag?”
M-“Taking it back to the posh where it’ll sit in perpetuity.”
Z-“How about you leave it here. There’s lots of Mutters who have no idea what the ghost flag is. We’ve had a ton of fun with it in the past, and I feel like it’s lost it’s luster. It needs a refresh. The Mutters need to be educated. We need to reboot this thing.”
M- “Gee. I dunno. Star Child makes up all the ghost flag rules as he goes, and he may scold me when I get back out east to the posh. I even heard a rumor that he made up all kindsa rules when you Mutters legitimately stole the ghost flag while running to the O. And him and his mini-van mafia just yanked it from ya. He’s unpredictable. It seems kinda risky.
M-“OK. Arm wrestle me for it. Win that and then you have to do more burpees than me in a minute. Win that, and you have to do more pull ups than me in 5 minutes. Win that and I’ll leave it here.”
Z-“I’m in. All you can handle bro”