YHC was an innocent bystander of a mid-June group text message from Cratchit saying he was anticipating an epic three weekend gauntlet. The first weekend had Father’s Day, the second, his birthday, and the third, Independence Day. YHC is slower than most, so I gave him a virtual fist bump. At that same time, I heard the record scratch inside my head. That’s weird, I guess… I do too. A separate text message from me to him confirmed that we in fact share a birthday. The obvious next step was to make a desperate plea to a generous (& handsome) Jolly Rancher to give up his Nest Q for Cratchit and I to have a birthday party. He obliged (thank you kindly), and it was game on. Remember this note, as later on you will see I paid Jolly in full… kinda.
Editor’s note: I either didn’t know or forgot (see above note about me being slow) that it was also Valdez’s birthday. He made it to the pre-Nest ruck but needed to be back home in time for his M to head off to work. He will be invited (read: forced, coerced, bulldozed, pressured, whatever) to join us next year.
Alright, the stage has been set. Here we go:
Man Bun (FNG, welcome!)
Asian Zing (R)
Holy Roller (R)
Crock Pot (Co-Q)
Weather: 78 deg F It rained, well… it was more than a mist, but less than a drizzle. It precipitated a trivial amount of water droplets, how about that?
YHC is not a professional, nor has he received any certification or training. Everything Q says is merely a suggestion. You as a PAX are here voluntarily on your own free will. This will likely be a high intensity exercise, so if you have any medical condition or physical limitation, you should consider not participating. You are encouraged to modify everything as necessary according to your ability, disability, injury, fitness level, etc.
[Cratchit] Warm Up:
Mosey (the long way) to the front lot for COP.
Runner’s stretches & isometrics
Counted off 1’s and 2’s
Mosey (the rest of the big circle) to the main lot.
[Crock Pot] Thang:
We had twelve stations, grouped in three color coordinated coned ‘loops’ (more like rectangles) of four. Each cone had a sign. Each sign had an exercise and a month of the year written on it, like so.
Green cone loop:
BB Sit Ups (July)
Prisoner Get Up (October)
Yellow cone loop:
1 ct. Lunges (February)
Carolina Dry Docks (May)
4 ct. Mountain Climbers (August)
Bobby Hurley (November)
Orange cone loop:
Tuck Jumps (March)
Wide Merkins (June)
4 ct. Plank Jacks (September)
4 ct. Flutter Kicks (December)
The instructions were to go around your loop, doing 10 reps of each exercise. Even though this was a birthday Co-Q, we all have a birthday (apparently except for Jolly Rancher, more on that later), and YHC didn’t want anyone to miss out on the fun. When a PAX got to a sign that had their birth month, they had to do 10 burpees before leaving that station. We did 5 minute AMRAP intervals, then rotated (see photo for a visual explanation).
Cratchit took the 1’s group, YHC took the 2’s group. Each group did a round on the green, yellow, and orange cone loops. We then split the yellow cone loop, giving us a (left) 6-station loop and a (right) 6-station loop. After each group did both, we had no choice but to send all the PAX on the entire 12-station loop.
[Cratchit] Mary 1:
American Hammer x 15
BB Sit Ups x 15
Box Cutter x 15
[Crock Pot] Mary 2:
Everyone hit a high plank for the entirety of a 2-song birthday related playlist. Ambitious PAX were instructed to do alternating shoulder taps to the beat of the first song and mountain climbers to the cadence of the beat for the second song. The songs were:
- There’s A Cat Licking Your Birthday Cake – Parry Gripp
- Hap, Hap, Hap, Happy Birthday – Parry Gripp
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A year can change your life. Think of who you were a year ago. Where was your health? Where were your relationships? Where was your spiritual walk? Where was your intellect? Where would you be if you had done something every single day over the past year to strengthen your physical, relational, spiritual, and intellectual health? Would you be further?
Decide today, right now, to do something to make the future version of you better. Next year is coming. It will be here in what seems like a moment. What kind of man will you be then?
As YHC looked around during the first interval, there just didn’t seem to be many burpees happening. Everyone seemed to say that their loop didn’t have their birthday month on it. This is possible, but statistically unlikely. After the transition, the same thing happened. Again, possible, but not likely. All these PAX, and no burpees… what’s a Q to do?
Jolly Rancher had given up a scheduled Q for us to have this opportunity. What was even better, he traded it for an upcoming Loco Q (which benefited YHC as the site Q). If ANYONE should receive an exemption from harassment, it should be him. But, clouded by rage, he was my target.
“Hey Jolly, are you cheating and skipping the burpees?” With a heroically sized grin he said, “Nope, I’m July dude. Next loop.” July, eh? July, which was in my current loop, meant… well $h^!
It meant that YHC, while harassing the other PAX for skipping burpees, had in fact, skipped the burpees on the entire last interval. The whole thing. It never even registered. I had driven right past it and ignored the sign myself. Shameful.
It gets worse. On the final loop, we get toward the end of time. I see Captain Crunchberry (Jolly’s brother) start picking up cones and signs as he finishes each station. This is nice and all, but we weren’t done. By the time I noticed it, we had 60 seconds left. I was puzzled, so I let it go. Then as I look up from the clock I see Jolly jog toward a station that no longer exists. After a quick WTF-look from Jolly, Crunchberry points Jolly around the corner to, you guessed it, July. “Ah come on man, you set me up!” was Jolly’s response. It was hilarious.
Before you think I’m a complete jerk, please note that I love Jolly even more than Jolly hates burpees. I’m sorry brother (but it was funny).
NakedMan Moleskin #2:
Shout out to Brown Water and Holy Roller, both of whom had their ears talked off by my 2.0 Luigi. He came back home with stories about his new F3 friends. On top of that, thanks to everyone who did burpees with Luigi at the “August” station. I am confident that not all of you were also August birthdays, so that meant you guys put in some extra credit work. I didn’t see him do a single burpee where he wasn’t accompanied by another PAX. That kid could sell ice cream to an ice fisherman, but still… thanks to those of you who encouraged him. It didn’t go unnoticed.
NakedMan Moleskin #3:
For all of you with boys between the ages of 5-10, I know you know who Parry Gripp is. You can skip the next paragraph.
For the rest of you, have you ever heard that infectious song “It’s raining tacos?” The one on TV commercials and YouTube advertisements? Well once you do, you never ‘unhear’ it. If it gets stuck in your head, you’re screwed for a week – minimum. As it turns out, that Parry Gripp dude is a prolific content creator. Homie has more songs than George Strait. Several of the songs are quite clever, but they all drive you crazy after a bit. For whatever reason my 2.0s can’t hear enough. Wait, I just got an idea…
In the near future I will Q a workout where we play nothing but Parry Gripp (loudly) the whole time. It’s Raining Tacos, Chicken Nugget Dreamland, Neon Pegasus, Pancake Robot, and more. I fully intend to take Dauber’s title of worst Q music and hold the crown forever. If you attend that Q I suspect you will hate me for quite a while. I’m going to do it anyway.
Until next meal,
Cratchit & Crock Pot