Well hello everyone. Thanks for coming. I’m sure you’re all wondering why I’ve called you here today, so let’s just get right into it.
As you may have noticed, we have experienced a very mild winter season this year, and I’m sure you are all wondering the cause of that.
I know you’re all saying to yourselves, “Tron, we all know the cause. Our global dependence on fossil fuels continues to rise, causing an ozone amplified warming of the polar stratosphere, the result of which is a retreat in arctic sea-ice levels, which in turn causes a destabilization of the polar jet stream, which leads to the unpredictable nature of the arctic winds that cause either unseasonably cold, or unseasonably warm, winters like the one we have seen this year”
Sit down and let me learn you on what really happens.
You see, every year, in preparation for the coming winter, many of us grow winter beards. Not only are they useful in keeping us warm in the expected cold temperatures, but they also make us look really really cool.
But, even more important, when winter finally rolls around, and the Greek God of Winter Boreas (Roman name: Aquilo, American name: Chad) rolls into town, he is pleased by the respect and fear we have shown him, and so he just kind of mails it in with these mild temperatures and then watches Bachelor reruns all winter.
But now that the Winds of Winter begin to die down, and A Dream of Spring starts to become a reality (unlike the book, who are we kidding at this point), the same respect needs to be shown to the Goddess of Spring Persephone (Roman Name: Proserpina, American Name: Kymberlee) so that she will grant us a pleasant few months of spring before the asshole summer god (Hades? Vulcan? Brent?) inevitably just blasts us with his inferno all summer long.
And so on March 19, as the earth’s axis officially shifts into Spring, I will be saying good bye to most of my winter beard (leaving only the mustache) and posting in the gloom to welcome the coming spring. I encourage all of you to do the same. Didn’t grow a winter beard? You’ve still got like a month. Make it happen. This is the kind of dumb stuff that make this cult worth your monthly dues.
tldr; Must grow a mustache to continue participating in F3